Big Red

March 14, 2004 (526 Days of Madness Left)

Care Level: 32 out of 100 Mood: eh? Chief’s Mood: Pissed/Indecipherable

To all crew members,

This is a reminder that you all are stationed aboard the [this] mighty warship. We go into harm’s way, and fight it out, and casualties are bound to happen. In that regards, we will be conducting VIP tours in the upcoming future. In order to maintain our good standing presence and reputation with the local community, we will be slightly modifying our mode of calling away any actual casualties that may occur while these civilians are on board. We do not want to scare these people into pulling our funding, or dying for that matter.

First up, any ship’s alarm that is sounded for an actual casualty must be preceded with the 1MC, “The following is a test of ship’s alarms. Disregard.” Second, upon the commencement of all casualties, the VIP tour members shall be transported to the SK shack, and the door will be locked on the way out. They will be provided with one copy of Starship Troopers, 2 decks of cards, one pitcher of water, and a game of Monopoly (without the train, everyone fights over it).

Thirdly, our ways of calling away casualties over the 1MC will be modified slightly, and are as follows:

“Reactor Controls Division muster [in engine room forward] for training.”

“Loss of [control].”

“All hands stand clear of the Engine Room while cotton candy maker is in operation.”

“Steam Line Rupture.”

“The Feeling you’re experiencing is actually an increased O2 bleed rate.”

“Autofuel Spill in the Torpedo Room.”

“Venting depth control in Engine Room.”

“Feed Header Rupture.”

“All hands are welcome to join the marshmallow roast in Shaft Alley. See the XO for your stick and graham crackers.”

“Large Class Alpha Fire in Shaft Alley.”

“Bilge lubrication is progress in PLO Bay. All hands stand clear.”

“PLO Rupture.”

“All nuclear trained personnel muster in the Engine Room for daily PT.”

“Reactor Scram.”

“Commence Engine Room Forward field day!”

“Large Spill in ERF.”

“All hands muster topside for swim call.”

“Abandon Ship.”

“E-Brake engage light lit.”

“Loss of PLO.”

“Commence salt water washdown of the Torpedo Room.”

“Flooding in the Torpedo Room.”

“Surf’s up, dawg! Hang ten!”

“Man Overboard.”

“Please come see the magical electrical light show in Shaft Alley”

“0kOHM ground on the Stbd AC Busses”

“We hoped you enjoyed your stay aboard the USS Albuquerque. We’re sorry it could only be so brief.”

“Torpedo Evasion.”

Thanks for your cooperation while these changes are put into place.